


Deepest Embrace

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-21
Updated: 2009-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-04 01:40:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's drops falling from the sky... drops of blood red and yellow acid pouring down on my body. There's an ache in my heart a mile wide and a thousand feet deep. Even the nails on my hands cannot tear apart the feelings, cannot reach the piece of me that aches in order to take it from my chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deepest Embrace

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt[s]:060: Pouring for y!weekly  
> Comments: Product of 7am and feeling shitty about a few things.  
> Beta Readers: kawaiikyo, Callie  
> Song[s]: "Like You" by Evanescence

There's drops falling from the sky... drops of blood red and yellow acid pouring down on my body. There's an ache in my heart a mile wide and a thousand feet deep. Even the nails on my hands cannot tear apart the feelings, cannot reach the piece of me that aches in order to take it from my chest.

My still beating heart flutters in silent memory, begging to be overheard, wanting to be noticed. The sky shimmers a beautiful navy in color, clouds of grey parting and supplying the earth. My breath meets the sigh of a god long since dead on the air and it's all I can do not to let my footsteps carry me from the edge.

Someone once told me there's always room for something else, room to grow and room to heal. What they never told me is that no matter the years that separate you from the love of your life, nothing can save you. When that person walks away, a part of you falls away right along with them. When _he_ walked away, a part of _me_ stepped to the edge and simply kept right on walking.

Three years, to the very day... three long, agonizing years ago he walked right out of my life, leaving me behind, just like the others did. Maybe it would do me better to actually explain rather than elude, better to be clear than use my usual way of implying through the layers of filth my mind tends to generate.

Our contract ended and we never resigned. The band effectively ended two long months before we ever actually announced it. When we did, the outcry stretched so far and so wide that we all had to draw away from the public eye in every single way. Hatred waited on every street corner and on the back of every single receipt and piece of mail. There was no escaping it, no hiding away and no running. We had been deciding what to do with our futures, where we were going and if it would be as a whole or a part... but our focus shifted. It had to... it was forced to.

We each reacted in a different, but same, manner. We all dug our graves, found our places in the shadows and melted away into nothing. Always watching, always waiting to resurface where we felt we wanted to be. Shinya went on to follow in the footsteps of Yoshiki, beginning to produce things. He moved to LA and submerged himself in a whole new scene, in a whole new place that accepted him into their folds as if they'd found a long-lost child.

Kaoru hid himself away in smoky clubs, lurking in the shadows of some experimental band, playing away at the only thing that ever brought him the feeling of true vitality.

Toshiya adopted a new name and began doing session bass parts for a few record labels.

Die... Die fell off the face of the planet. Out of all of us, he was hit the hardest by the fans. He always did take things more to heart than the rest of us and I guess in a way, I have to understand, I have to see it through his eyes and understand what happened. The screams that used to be cheers, that used to be love and affection... all that turned to hatred and anger. Lust and admiration turned to dust. Even while we all weathered it together, I could see it breaking him, chipping away at everything he'd strived to build in all the years I'd known him. The words consumed him... ate him alive. And then one day, I tried to call and his phone was disconnected. The next, I went by his place and it was empty... devoid of life. Not even a forwarding address left behind.

I went to his parent's house. Even they didn't know where he'd gone. Elusive. A figment of my imagination, ripped away at the very moment in which I could have finally told him what I'd been holding within for all these years. For almost a year, I searched. I dug up every old contact we'd ever had, tried to find him without drawing too much attention from the public. I wanted him to have his privacy at the very same time in which I wanted to find him for my own selfish reasons.

It took me so long to let it go... to let _him_ go. Even when I did, when I finally realized one day that the only person I'd ever truly loved had slipped right through my very fingers... even then, I realized I couldn't ever actually release him from my heart. I've tried so hard to heal, to move on... to move forward. But in the end, it's all hopeless.

Me... I've tried to do a good many things. I tried to continue writing my poetry. I gave it a go at playing guitar instead of being front and center every single night. But it all wasn't for me. The only thing I'd ever envisioned was sitting by his side, following wherever he went and complementing whatever he decided to do. All in all, the only thing I could do was fade into black.

My days are filled with scribbling out lyrics and poetry into my old notebooks, filling the blank lines with useless words. The words he used to love... the words he used to read all the right things into... the words I caught myself writing only for him more times than I ever cared to count. And my nights are spent like this. Standing in what used to be our favorite spot, overlooking the entire city, the wind whipping through my hair, the drone of the city calling out my name. Sometimes I think it's reaching for me, tempting me... trying so hard to draw me over the edge and down into its very heart so that it can own me more completely than it ever has.

When I close my eyes, I can almost feel him here beside me. Some nights, I feel him better than others. Sometimes, it's so tangible that I tell him everything; just let the words slip away on the air. All the words I wanted to give to him that I've wasted so many times while the rain pours down on me from the sky, drowning out the tears I refuse to believe I've actually shed.

Tonight... tonight, I tip my head to the heavens and spread my arms wide. My breath ghosts past my lips, fogging the air as I tell him all over again. "I love you... I've always loved you. I know I told you once that I didn't believe... that I thought love was something made up and fake. I even told you that it was just something created for comfort, to make the human mind feel more at ease with the idea of remaining with someone for so long. But I was wrong... I was lying. I didn't want you to know back then. I couldn't let you see the truth in my eyes, so I never looked into yours. I couldn't show you what your simple touch did to me, so I blamed it on so many other things. But it's always been you... it'll always be you."

The sweet smell of his aftershave finds me on the drifting currents of the wind. An after-affect of all the time I spent so close to him. There's warmth in my soul and for once I feel ready... I feel like I can give myself to the city and give away the feelings I've only told to the twinkling lights below me. My tears mix with the wetness of the rain and I move closer to the edge, standing right at the cusp, heart pounding with something I can only describe to be love. It hurts... it hurts so very _very_ good. "Die... forgive me. When you hear... if you can... forgive me. That is all I ask." One more breath and for an instant weightlessness finds me, the city air enveloping me in hungry arms, pulling, and taking, lusting to find me and yank me into its embrace.

But the next there's only warmth around me, strong arms around my torso, hauling me backwards onto grating concrete. Someone's screaming and it takes me a minute to realize it's me. I was ready... so very ready to take all the pain away, to let go for the final time. A shadow covers me and I turn the intensity of my eyes fully upon them, tears falling, anger burning the depths of my very soul. No one, _no one_ , has the right to step in and try to save me from myself... _except him_.

My breath catches in my throat and the anger fades away into nothingness. Shame fills me instead, boiling over and consuming me as I remember to breathe. His fingers ghost over my cheek, the worry in his eyes so very deep and sincere. And now... now that I look without reserve, with all of my own secrets bared to the world, I can see it. The flame that burns within me is only matched by the one within him. Two of a kind... a matching set.

"You never told me...." Simple words... and such a truth.

It's all I can do to reach for him, to pull him close and hold on to him as if my life depends on it. I can't think beyond now... beyond the wonder if this is life or if this is what I earned in death. Strong arms lift me from the ground, cradling me close and carrying me away from the rooftop and the clouds that are still crying, away from the wind that still carries the breath of a long-dead god. His scent is everywhere... enveloping and all-consuming. The feel of his body so close to mine, holding me as if I'm something precious and loved....

When he lays me on my very own bed, his warmth covering me, it's all I can do not to expose my secrets to him completely. The words he speaks, the way he says them... the puzzle pieces slip into place, building the earth and the sky and then filling in the city between. Running away because it was all he knew to do. Regret and pain because he had, but not knowing how to come back, how to explain his own actions. And then a feeling drawing him closer and closer to coming back with every passing day. A feeling that led him to me on this very night.

He's always been my love. He's always been my light and my life. But tonight... tonight, he is my reason.

My eyes slip closed, my hands tracing over the new but familiar lines of his body. And even as our heartbeats form into one, my lips part and I tell him this time, knowing he'll hear me. "I love you... I've always loved you."

His response is whispered into my ear, told in a manner that lets me know he's been struggling with this just as much as I have. "So long... I've felt the same way about you. But you never told me... and I always hid myself away. It is... my deepest regret."

Silence falls over us, covering us in the soft blanket of darkness that is my bedroom. Just when I think he's asleep, the words come, falling from his lips like blossoms from a cherry tree. "I love you, Kyo."

And nothing, _nothing_ , could ever be better than that.

**The End**  



End file.
